Psychologically Speaking

with Stewart Hase

Careless conversations

Sometimes I am moved to ask people what they think are the most important things in their lives. Those things that they will be remembered for when they have shuffled off their mortal coil, what they would miss most. Nearly one hundred percent of the time these things relate to relationships, people. Yet we are often so careless about how we handle our relationships that we miss out by not making the best of them.

Unless you're a hermit or have a vow of silence then conversations are a central part of life. In fact they may well be the most frequent things we do as a social animal. Interestingly, though, it sometimes feels as if we pay more attention to getting a good shine on the car or painting the kitchen than we do to polished or nicely balanced conversations. And the fall-out from what I have come to call careless conversations is often quite dramatic for the other person and ultimately ourselves.

Dropping in to see me on their way to the divorce court a married person will often tell me about how their partner has not listened to them for years or has been consistently angry in their communication. That they have felt unimportant, put down and demeaned. But their partner thinks that they have the problem not them and will not seek counselling to improve the situation. One of the most consistent messages I get from women is that they wish their men would listen to them more, communicate more particularly about their feelings, and communicate by touch without it having to lead to sex. "He only hugs or touches me when he wants something" is a common complaint I hear.

If it is the husband I am talking to I often hear how his wife has left him after 20 years of marriage. Mostly the children have grown-up and she now feels safe to leave. He can't understand why she has left and puts it down to the influence of her friends or menopause. What we find as we look back is that his wife has complained about all sorts of things over the last 20 years mostly concerning the things I mentioned above. "And what did you do about it," I ask innocently. The reply is that he didn't take much notice and thought it was "just her hormones". In fact he just wasn't listening.

There is often dramatic fall-out from careless conversations at work too. Managers in particular often underestimate how important what they say can be to a person's morale, self-esteem and general wellbeing. Not to mention work performance. The research is overwhelming in demonstrating that the most effective bosses listen, are empathic, communicate well and demonstrate caring. People I am seeing, with increasing frequency by the way, are those who have been carelessly spoken to or treated badly by a manager. Perhaps it has been an angry reaction or, very often, lack of support during a difficult or stressful time. The fall-out here results in extended sick leave, a Workcover investigation, worker's compensation or legal proceedings. Either way nobody wins.

Apart from generally improving how we communicate, one thing I have found useful is to learn how to really listen. Our heads are often so full of what we've done and what we need to do that we don't pay attention to what others are saying and how we are responding. And we miss the really important and subtle communications that could change our lives. I suspect that one of the most important things we could learn to do in this hectic, 'got to do it all' society is to empty our heads, be mindful of the moment we are currently in and pay attention. To be less self-absorbed. Our conversations might be less careless and we might find more fulfilling relationships.