Shaggy Dog Comments...
Shaggy joined the hundreds of locals crossing the border to enjoy the Woodford Folk Festival, where we took this photo of violinist Hope Csutoros of My Friend the Chocolate Cake in full flight. Spreading a peaceful message, the band's singer, David Bridie, suggested people "Make chocolate not war".
So there I was, a humble gossip columnist, wandering around outback Queensland between Christmas and New Year when aliens descended to speak with me (at least I think they were aliens, it was Queensland, after all). They took me up into their spaceship, where I got to meet ET, Zaphod Beebelbrox, Hans Solo, Spock, and a range of prophets, including Don Bradman.
Shortly after that, five beautiful aliens, looking very much like Nicole Kidman, Cate Blanchett, Kylie Minogue, Sarah O'Hare and that spunkrat Kim from Kath and Kim (I'd long suspected she wasn't from this planet), led me away to a room where we all had hours of passionate sex together before I was returned to earth to share my experiences with you all. We have formed a new group of followers called the Shaggleans (they suggested I should name our cul... er sorry, enlightened group after me).
The aliens let me in on many secrets. We are all their children (except for George W Bush, who was adopted), and the Star Trek Enterprise TV series really is crap and bears no resemblance to the truth about intergalactic life in the future. Oh and if you send me $9.99 (cash preferable), I'll be able to give you the winning numbers to next Monday's lotto draw, as well as the winner of the 5th at Flemington this Saturday. There's other good news too. They gave me the recipe for cloning and showed me where they keep the global delete button for tinpot loony dictators, religious extremists and studio-manufactured disco-pop musicians. The cloning has already produced results, and I've been putting it to good use by rebuilding the Australian cricket teams batting ability with clones of Bichel, Lee and Gillespie, the only ones to score runs in the fifth test (and since they're no bloody good as bowlers, I've knocked up another Warney and ooh aah, a Glen McGrath).
I must go now, because I'm going to hold a press conference to tell the world's media about this exciting news. Hopefully they'll take me seriously and put it all on the front page and suddenly everyone will want to interview me and with all that free publicity, I'll be famous. I know April 1 is still three months away, but it is a slow news period, and you never know, they just might believe a fruitloop like me, no matter how preposterous my claims, and the lack of proof. L Ron Hubbard eat your heart out.
Now that the national has gone from relaxed and comfortable to alert but not alarmed, everyone's a little touchy about who might be up to no good. So when the controversial spiritual leader of the Australian Muslim community, Sheik Taj el-dene Elhilaly, was stopped by police and searched on Monday, it sparked a barny about the way he was treated. Lismore-based MLC Peter Breen weighed into the debate called it "boofhead policing" when they allegedly tried to strip search the Sheik because he might be carrying a gun. "The idea of an armed religious leader in Australia is laughable. I expect the Barmy Army will do a song about it," Mr Breen said. He went on to argue that the heads of the Catholic or Anglican churches wouldn't be treated that way by police. We tend to agree, but then we also suspect that their Graces, Archbishops Jensen and Pell, wouldn't be stupid enough to be driving around in an unregistered car.
Australia Day this year falls on a Sunday. And while the day will inspire great flourishes of rhetoric about national pride, there is of course only one issue worrying most Australians. Fear not, you will get Monday off with a long weekend.
Capturing the true Australian sentiment, NSW Minister John Della Bosca declared "it's important the public holiday isn't lost because Australia Day happens to fall on a weekend. It's an important holiday for Australians and we've taken this step to ensure our national day isn't diminished."
Alas all you patriotic Australians will be forced to get out of bed early on Sunday morning - the day when Oz Day will be celebrated around the region.
We must give a special D*#khead Award to the 29-year-old bloke from Sydney driving north along the Pacific Highway around 10pm on December 29, when police clocked him at 150km/h, 15km north of the Iluka turnoff. A breath test revealed that he was also as pissed as a newt - his PCA not that far from his speed, at 0.155, more than three times the legal limit. He was charged, and his licence suspended. He was told not to drive when police released him. Two hours later, the same police saw the same bloke heading south, doing 124km/h in a 100km/h zone. His PCA was 0.130. This time police confiscated his keys. Given that last week a bloke received a three month gaol sentence for simply joking about having a knife when he got on board a flight in Cairns, we reckon anyone who drinks and drives and speeds (and then does it again after being caught) should be regarded as a terrorist under our tough new laws, and face a similar gaol term. After all, they're terrorising innocent road users, and have the potential to kill many people. And Osama Bin Laden would be proud of their reckless disregard for their own lives.
|
