The police are used to copping it about not doing enough about crime, but yesterday, there was some good news in the release of the annual crime statistics (see story opposite) – there’s been a 15% fall in break and enter offences in Lismore homes. So we tried to ring for a comment on the good news. First up we rang the Lismore police station. The phone rang out. Next we rang the Area Command HQ in Goonellabah. It was 5.05pm, and while a receptionist answered, all the brass had gone home. Never a copper there when you need one...
Kasey Chambers was a huge hit at the Blues Fest, where she sang her song of lament “Am I not pretty enough?” Judging by the size of her belly – it was her last concert before she becomes a mother – one bloke obviously thinks she is.
1) Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning...”
2) “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face intown. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”
4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain’t no way out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools aren’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6) Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get no rain.
8) A man with male pattern baldness don’t got the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness sure does. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ‘cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the rubbish dump.
10) Good places for the Blues: (a) Highway (b) Jailhouse (c) Empty bed (d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues (a) Pizza Hut (b) Gallery openings (c) Ivy League institutions (d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you
happen to be a old guy and you done slept in it.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if (a) You older than dirt (b) You blind (c) You shot a man in Memphis (d) You can’t be satisfied. Not if (a) You have all your teeth (b) You were once blind but now can see (c) The man in Memphis lived (d) You have a stock portfolio or trust fund.
13) Blues is not a matter of colour. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Anthony Mundine could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are (a) Cheap wine (b) Whiskey or bourbon (c) Muddy water (d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) Perrier (b) Chardonnay (c) Fanta (d) Milo.
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie (b) Big Mama (c) Bessie (d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe (b) Willie (c) Little Willie (d) Big Willie (e) Willie Joe
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie and Heather; Stig, Reginald, or Alistair can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: (a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) (b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) (c) Last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not Kiwi.)
20) I don’t care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues!
The Queen Mum was a popular centenarian, and Lismore Mayor Bob Gates has ensured Lismore residents can pay their respects to the Royal Family by setting up a condolence book. “It is a sad time for the Queen Mother’s family and the Commonwealth. She worked tirelessly for many charities and organisations and was always a gracious and understanding lady,” the Mayor said. The condolence book has been set up in the old council chambers in Molesworth Street, Lismore, where Lois Kelly (pictured) from the Economic Development Unit was the first person to pay her respects. The condolence book will be available until April 10. 
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