Shaggy Dog Comments...

Issue 804

Every week there's a week for something or other. Those inclined to shed their clothing at the first opportunity will be pleased to learn that next week is National Nude Week. We'll leave it to you as to how to celebrate the occasion.

Thinking about the refugees on the long weekend, while lamenting the poor performance of the Aussie cricket team, Shaggy came to the conclusion that a vengeful God knew where to hit us where it hurts - sport. After all, Sweden abandoned mandatory detention for refugees some years ago and look who won the Australian Open final. And we figured the Lord was punishing us by letting the New Zealanders beat us at cricket, since they'd already beaten us when it came to processing refugee applications for the people from the Tampa. So we sat there on Tuesday evening in despair, as the Kiwis had the Aussies on the ropes at 6-82. So we picked up the paper to read the days news. Not only had the government's refugee group proposed scrapping the Woomera detention centre, Philip Ruddock was prepared to consider it, as well as changing the way we deal with children. At that stage Michael Bevan cut loose and the Aussies snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. We hope the government doesn't stumble in the next week. A place in the finals depends on it.

Single puppies who don't have the time to search for the perfect bitch shouldn't despair. If you've got the cash, there's now a company to do all the leg-work in the never-ending pursuit of love. Coincidence Design is an American (where else?) company who promise to find your perfect wife for the paltry sum of US$80,000 (about $160,000 in Oz dosh). The company's website www.coincidencedesign.com has the answer for the man who has seen his perfect wife, wants to meet her but can't stalk her. We'll let Coincidence take up the story from there:

'But WE CAN. Well, sort of. We can observe her movements from dawn to dusk. We can use a clever pretext to interview roommates and classmates from her past and colleagues and girlfriends from her present. We can send an agent to check out her relatives. We can keep an eye on her apartment and squeeze information from previous boyfriends. Then, we'll design a 'COINCIDENCE'. We can arrange for the two of you to first meet at a convention, and then - a few weeks later - end up, coincidentally, seated next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight. Or find yourselves, coincidentally, trapped in an elevator together.

SHE will start talking to YOU. Guaranteed! And when you start chatting, you'll draw on data we fed you beforehand. Say that you hate pumpkins but do like The Smashing Pumpkins, whereupon she'll excitedly exclaim that she feels precisely the same. One thing will lead to another, and...'

Interested? Don't bother if you're female, gay or fat. Coincidence Design - a group of former federal agents, private detectives and coppers - won't have you as a client. As they so poetically put it for fat guys: 'If you are serious about finding the perfect love for you, first get in shape, and then come to us.' Oh, they also don't accept journalists. Coincidence? Maybe not. We long for the good old days when all you had to do was sign up for an episode of Perfect Match and let Dexter the robot do the work.

French-born Maree Falquet divides her time between homes in Paris and Binna Burra. She returned to the North Coast recently and on Tuesday night decided to head down to Byron with a friend. She left her car, a red Ford Falcon parked on the Bangalow Road overnight, but when she returned to it on Wednesday morning, thieves had broken in to the boot, flogged the spare wheel and jacked up the rear to remove the back wheels of the car. If you saw anything strange going on the other night, give Lismore police a yell.

A two-year study emerged this week, which found that around 9 in every 10 people don't really know what Australia Day is all about. The report Australia and the Past, found that only 9.64 per cent of people nominated Australia Day as a public anniversary with historical meaning or importance. Christmas came out on top with 22% saying it was historically important, followed by Anzac Day (18%). We found adequate proof of this fact in the Australian media on the weekend, with The Sydney Morning Herald using a portrait of Captain Cook in a story about Governor Arthur Phillip (those Poms in white wigs all look the same to us too), who lobbed first in Botany Bay, then Sydney Cove, with 11 British ships carrying 1023 people, including 751 convicts and their children, on January 26, 1788. The Channel Ten news also reported that Australia Day celebrated the arrival Captain James Cook. The man credited with mapping the east coast of Australia in 1770 would no doubt have loved to be there - especially since he actually missed Port Jackson as a safe harbour, but alas, he was killed, at age 51, by angry Hawaiians on Valentines Day 1779.

Mayor Bob Gates led a group of people through the citizenship ceremony on Saturday, then presented the new batch of Strayans with their certificates, asking them 'what nationality are you?' Forgetting what had happened not two minutes earlier (since he's just become an Aussie), the first bloke answered English. 'Another bloody Pom' the mayor quipped. At least he now gets to support a marginally better cricket team.

Lake Ainsworth

Among the celebrations on Australia Day there was a photographic competition run by Lismore Council and Lismore Shopping Square for 'my cool holiday snap'. Pictured are the winners, Britta Eider-Kruger, aged 11, with her placid image of ducks on Lake Ainsworth. The other winner was Chantelle Swientek, 12, for this self-portrait with her grandfather. The Swientek family (which counts Lismore councillor Frank among its clan) had another reason to celebrate when they won two return flights to Sydney, courtesy of Hazelton Airlines, for taking part in the Lismore festivities.