Shaggy Dog Comments...

Issue 803

Following on from last week's ‘Definitive Guide to Aussies', when we asked you for additions, Stan Gibbs of Clunes offered the following ‘Naturalisation Test': 'All intending Australians should be required to eat a hot meat pie covered in tomato sauce one handed without spilling any gravy, crumbs or sauce on the floor.' We tried… and will be leaving the country this Sunday. For his troubles, we're sending Stan of copy of Joan Webster's Essential Bushfire Safety Tips – a timely tome in this scorched state.

This mutt moves in very high places – or so we assume after receiving an email from Mrs Juliet Sese-Sekoh, widow of late dictator president Mobutu of Congo. Having been driven out of the country some years ago, hubby died of cancer in exile. Now it seems the Mrs S-S is a bit down on her luck… After smuggling US$18 million out of Congo and secreted it away, she now needs Shaggy's help.

'What I want you to do is to indicate your interest that you will assist us by receiving the money on our behalf. Acknowledge this message, so that I can introduce you to my son (Kennedy) who has the out modalities for the claim of the said funds. I want you to assist in investing this money, but I will not want my identity revealed. I will also want to buy properties and stock in multi-national companies and to engage in other safe and non-speculative investments. May I at this point emphasise the high level of confidentiality, which this business demands, and hope you will not betray the trust and confidence, which I repose in you,' she wrote. In return for our contact and bank account details (and a modest outlay to help them through a tough patch – of course it'll be reimbursed…) we will be handsomely rewarded. Although Shaggy knows there's nothing more Australian than spiriting large sums of money offshore – just ask Bondy and Skasey, who's probably enjoying a drink and a laugh with Mobutu even as we speak – we declined on this occasion.

Wanted: a cane toad. No acting experience necessary. The Northern Rivers Wildlife Carers are planning to make a video to help people tell the difference between native brown frogs and cane toads. Apparently in their haste to dispatch the illegal immigrants, the local froggy population cops it by mistake. If you can help out, call Julie Reid on 6688 8320. There's no truth in the rumour that Golden Globe winner Russell Crowe had to pull out of the title role.

We'd like to say a sad goodbye to the beautiful Art & Soul Gallery in The Channon, which closes this weekend after six years. Artist and proprietor Claudia is heading off to concentrate on other projects. She's holding farewell drinks at the gallery this Friday, and anyone who's even been involved in the gallery is welcome to pop along. Any other questions about its future, phone Claudia on 6687 2766.

Former deputy PM and Ambassador for the Australia Made Campaign is urging patriotic Aussies to do their bit this Saturday and have an Australian-made Day. Tim reckons that if you start your day with an Aussie breakfast – cornflakes, bacon and eggs and Aussie tea – it'll cost you $10, and save you a couple of bucks compared with foreign breakfast of European muesli, imported pancake mix with Maple syrup and South American coffee. But patriotism does have a price – an Australian flag made in NSW will set you back $15. The Asian-made version costs $10. Speaking of the day, Shaggy's master will talk about the notion of a fair go in an Australia Day address at the Lismore celebrations.

Speaking of the Congo, this poor, long-troubled country suffered another blow last week when the Nyiragongo volcano erupted, spewing lava everywhere and forcing more than 100,000 people to flee their homes. More than 100 people who'd returned prematurely were killed this week when a petrol station was set alight by the lava and exploded. The Red Cross has issue an urgent appeal for funds to help the people fleeing the devastation. You can donate via secure online facilities at www.redcross.org.au, phone 1800 811 700 anytime, or post a cheque or money order to GPO Box 9949 in any capital city. Donations over $2 are tax deductible.