Psychologically Speaking

with Stewart Hase

Super Parents

I'm no great fan of Super Nanny. Like reality TV in general it strikes me as a rather weird kind of entertainment for the participants as well as the watchers. But, the show has generated all sorts of discussions over dinner tables, around the pool and in the consulting room. Mostly the talk ends up about teenagers, those strange beings that emerge about 12 or 13 years of age and then disappear anything from five to 10 years later and appear as real adults. Mind you I meet people who claim that their spouse never actually made the transition even into their 50s. Sounds cynical but it is sometimes true.

Many years ago I ran a series of groups for the parents of teenagers. It seemed sensible at the time but I have been having treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ever since and have never been able to even think about doing it again. I may well have a nightmare tonight having written this down. Nonetheless, I often have people talk to me about the problems they are having with their teenager(s). Having had two of them, who have mercifully grown up and moved on, I understand the difficulties.

What would I do differently if I was a parent of a teenager again? If the option of moving them to a monastery in the Tibetan mountains is not an option then there are a couple of things I'd think about. The first is that I'd realise that, despite some rather biased press mostly coming from very conservative old people, the teenagers of today are not that much different to those in the 60s and 70s. We 'baby boomers' tend to forget that we drank, stayed out late, had fights and took drugs. Mind you I accept that we were far more responsible by not inhaling, never actually getting drunk and always using condoms (at least those very small number who didn't wait until they were 30 to lose their virginity)! We did survive.

Using this knowledge I'd not project my anxiety for the future of my children onto them. This is simply because it comes out all wrong as anger or overprotective sanctions. This doesn't mean that there aren't boundaries, it's just that I'd carefully plan the expansion of these boundaries with my teenager. There would still be a place for the conversation that certain behaviours in the house and towards others are unacceptable and that it is a lonely place living under a bridge. But this conversation would be more carefully crafted and never, ever be had in anger. Another thing I'd change would be to recognise that I could not use the same sanctions and approaches with my teenager that I used when they were nine years of age. Those techniques just do not work. Not changing strategies from pubescence to adolescence is the most common mistake we make as parents.

I am a great fan of the idea of changing the game plan when I am losing 32-0 at half-time. I see so many parents who keep on doing the same thing over and over again, somehow expecting that the outcome will be different. They become surprised when somehow the same arguments just keep repeating.

I'd be far more careful in the years up to about 10 because this is when the basis is set for adulthood. If they haven't got the basic values right by that age then the next 10 years aren't the time to try and instill them because there's too much going on with hormones and searching for self. And lastly, I'd remember what a wonderful journey adolescence can be and join the adventure. If it turned out to be painful, I'd just be there.

So, I'd just be a Super Parent, not make any mistakes and everyone would live happy ever after.

Yeah, right!