Psychologically Speaking

with Stewart Hase

Wannabe and wannado

As we set off for our morning walk the other day my much more observant better half pointed to the agapanthas bordering the garden. Amidst a sea of blue was one white bloom. She asked, "Now why is that one white and the others all blue?"

The best answer at the time from someone who is not a botanist and who has a nasty aversion to Burke's Backyard, was that it was white because it wanted to be. It reminded me of that scene in The Life of Brian when poor old Brian is addressing the crowd outside his house. He is telling them that they don't need to follow him, or any guru for that matter. He tells them that they can think for themselves, that they are all individuals and all different. A voice calls out from the crowd, "I'm not!"

The incident of the apparently independently-minded agapantha reminds us about how we make life choices. Some people I meet have made choices because they liked (or like) the idea of being something. That could mean a particular line of work, being married, becoming a parent, being in a particular house or owning some particular object. While the choice can be successful, in some cases it explains why sometimes we can be unhappy about what we have done because the choice was made for the wrong reason, albeit at an unconscious level (we are not really aware why we made the choice). The internal image we have of ourselves in a particular role or with a particular object is so powerful that we will bend over backwards to become what we imagine we need to be. Incidentally, advertisers know this well and manipulate us all the time by showing us how we can make the images we have of ourselves a reality by buying this or that. It's the heart of consumerism and has been amazingly successful.

It is different when we make choices about what we want to do. Wanting to do the work involved in a particular career or wanting to do the role of a spouse or parent is very different from just wanting to be. My experience is that wanting to do leads to longer term commitment, greater motivation and is much more satisfying. It's like wearing clothes that really suit us rather than wearing things that we think we should be wearing. We are much more comfortable and it shows. It is surprising how many people are apparently 'locked' into unhappy work or relationships.

Mind you, it can be tricky making choices about what we would really like to do. We are greatly influenced by all that conditioning that occurs as we grow up, all those expectations of parents and other relatives, friends, and society that we will be loved if we be this or be that. It can be difficult to make choices that suit our real self rather than satisfying some image that we have learnt to believe is what we should be. These images also keep us in unhappy jobs or unhappy relationships because breaking out would shatter the image completely. How disappointed others would be of us and how anxious we would become.

Paradoxically, I am left with the image of Homer Simpson lying on his couch with a beer in hand. Marg is pleading with him, "But Homey, you could at least try."

Homer replies, "Marge, trying is the first step towards failure!"