Political Corrections

with Mungo MacCallum

Two men and a PM

The news last week was almost totally depressing.

American and British atrocities against Iraqi prisoners drove the fear and loathing of the occupying troops (the real insurgents) to new levels; an Australian was killed in a terrorist attack in Saudi Arabia; the mad right in Israel vetoed even the partial withdrawal from the occupied territories offered by Ariel Sharon.

All this plus the usual spate of natural and man-made disasters from the rest of the world. It's just as well the home front provided a bit of light relief.

Admittedly, the cat fight involving the aging and embittered disc jockey John Laws and what he euphemistically describes as the unattractive troika of Alan Jones, David Flint and John Howard is of zero national importance and almost no real public interest, but for political and media groupies it has been the most fun we have had since Chopper Read deflated Jones at his most pompous with the devastating line: "At least I've never been arrested in a London public lavatory."

And for students of the more unpleasant influences in Australian politics, there are a few sordid insights. The fact that the two confirmed bachelors, Jones and Flint, have spent some years exchanging what Jones unofficial biographer Chris Masters describes as love letters (Laws claims to have one in which they pledge their mutual allegiance) is not really surprising; after all, both are self-righteous egomaniacs of the highest order, certain that their positions put them above the law and the conventions which would normally govern their respective professions. But to find the Prime Minister on such intimate terms with two such self-obsessed fruit cakes is a fraction disturbing.

Here is Howard replying to a complaint from Jones that he was not receiving the kind of attention he expected and demanded from the government: "Please be assured that I do appreciate your raising issues of importance as I regard your efforts as a valuable resource to ensure our policies deliver outcomes focused on the needs and aspirations of mainstream Australia. To improve the handling of these sorts of issues in the future I have asked Anthony Roberts in my Sydney office to act as a special point of contact for your people. I hope this helps the flow of information."

This was back in 1999. With that sort of obsequious response from Howard, why wouldn't Jones think that he could issue instructions regarding the appointment of his close friend and benefactor to the Australian Broadcasting Authority? Especially as he had threatened Howard with "a declaration of war" once before over an issue involving the Health Department, and then having the issue resolved to his satisfaction.

In fact, for Jones to claim that he had to make a special trip to Kirribilli to threaten Howard with the loss of his support if Flint missed out was a little far fetched on two grounds. First, Jones was no more going to advocate a vote for Labor than to go whoring with Chopper Read, and secondly Howard was already determined to have Flint, his own close friend, reappointed; he had overridden his then Communications Minister Richard Alston on the point, before the two came to what Alston tactfully calls "heated agreement."

Certainly Howard denies that such a threat was ever made - but then he would, wouldn't he? Indeed, he denies ever having received a threat of any kind from Jones, but the health matter mentioned above is confirmed in writing. The fact that Jones made the claim has been attested by witnesses, although Jones himself denies it. As Laws says, either Howard is lying or Jones is lying - or more likely, given their respective records, both; it would be nice to know what they had to say to each other in the private phone call that was made soon after the story broke.

Howard tried to laugh it off by saying that he had lots and lots of conversations every day (true) and that he had lots of friends (not true). But it is hard to believe that that there were not moments when he wondered whether his chumminess with the vicious old tart, as Laws called Jones, and the effete, pretentious, posturing professor, as Laws called Flint, is entirely wise.

So far Flint has been the only one to suffer; he has been forced to withdraw from the ABA inquiry into Alston's complaints against the ABC. As he had previously withdrawn from an inquiry into the commercial networks involving Laws and Jones, taxpayers may be wondering just what they are getting for the $5000 per week (yes, that's right) they are paying him to chair the body. Naturally there have been calls for his resignation, and not only from those Flint sneers at as 'the elites" - by which he means anyone who disagrees with him about anything. Naturally Flint has ignored them. But at least he has, for the first time in living memory, shut up.

Jones has simply ridden it out; his rusted on followers, the vast majority of whom are senior citizens, seem to think the whole thing is a conspiracy concocted by the Labor party - thus proving they can't, or don't read. Laws continues to revel in the publicity and the invective. And Howard will no doubt go on using Jones as his favourite straight man whenever he needs an easy ride.

At least he comes out of it better than his idiot Minister for Veteran Affairs Dana Vale, who sent her grovelling message of support for Jones to Laws's radio station by mistake. Single-handedly, she reduced what was close to high farce to simple slapstick. Boom, tish.